Confusion

You said you loved me

Why so sad

He says he loves me,

Why still sad?!

He tries to show me, every chance he gets. More attentive, smarter, ambitious, taller, twice as 'hung' as you, more understanding, sweeter, well rounded, quirky..

Yet I still hold back a little.

I feel that love is so fleeting

After meeting your kind, if it's so easy for you to drop things at the drop of a hat.
Won't it be just as easy for him to do the same.

Yet there you go, professing love to another who you have not even met.
You and you stupid celebrity pictures as screen-savers. Half naked ladies, pining from one to the other. The day I see him with screen-savers, just innocent anime I freeze up, thinking is this another you.. Does he idolise the skinny body types too?
Is she closer to your preferred body type then? Carrying out day-dreaming idealistic ideas in your head. Stupid interpretations, idealistic views until you meet the reality and face the facts that things are not really as they seem.

Does she know about your stupid selfish mood swings. Your huge propensity for grudges?
Your laziness? How quick you are to throw in the towel before the storm barely bares its face.

He does the sweetest things, little gifts, big actions, little surprises, wants to please me.
And I get even angrier at you.. For fooling me, into thinking that what you gave me was remotely close to real love.. I remember this time last year...
When you ignored me over my birthday. Failed to come around and made a heap of shitty excuses.
''Where is he? Why is he not here? ''
I.. repeatedly explaining myself to friends, making silly excuses – trying to keep face.
They could probably see it..but did what friends do.
Remained quiet.
Feel like I was allowed to bask in my stupidity.


You want to spend the rest of your life with her? Just like that? U haven't even met her! I spent nearly four years with you! You confused dumb shite! You lie and say you've been away for 2 years. Single for 2 years my ass! Do you always start everything with lies. My dayz what a chronic liar you are.
You do another degree,another fail once again. You really are stupidly thick!

Can't believe I fell for the likes of you.
But then you were just a stepping stone. To the next better thing.

Now I just need to open my heart completely to love... as it has come to take me in, overwhelm me, toss me around and uplift me once more. I really hope I stay on this high.. it all stays on this high.

I can't do this one more time.

I wonder if I just killed another baby by taking the pill.
Am I ruining my chances at fertility each time I take the pill.
What about when I am ready to have kids?

No more pills, I am done.
If it comes, it comes.

Zip It!

Hello!

Back again...Sorry about the long silence!



Sooooo what do I have to rant about now eh blog?
Not so much honestly..not bitter, sad, going crazy but faily neutral plus slightly tipping on optimism..

Another year is about to be added to my current years on this earth officially...
I'm excited, positive, but also in denial.. the last bit will have to be discussed at another time.

All in all I am grateful to God & continually give him my thanks intensely at sporadic random moments when it suddenly strikes me of how lucky I am...


On another note, another year added has subtracted another level of tolerance.If tolerance could be quantified in say litres, I could say I've had about 5litres taken off as another year has been added.
Out of a total of what litres you ask? Honestly I don't know what the overall level of my tolerance is, I suprise myself at times with the total content!

I am lucky and thankful to have some wonderful friends.
Frenemies, I try not to indulge in, just for sanity's sake.
As I consider it really tiresome trying to figure out what page we are on half the time.
So I keep an exclusive group close to my chest.

I would consider myself a happy go lucky kinda person with friendships in the sense that as quickly as I bounce into them could also be as quickly as I bounce out, but yet hold on to the exceptionally good ones tighter than a leech. (I would like to think this was normal for most people)

I don't really think I'm one to continually point out faults or issues that peeve me off when done by friends, a little joke here and there, but then gradually I just ignore OR end up cutting off the person abruptly when they go waaayyy past that line they shouldn't have crossed.(Major fault here I know!)
But then how do they know..


How does one choose friends? I honestly don't know... Just having one interest in common starts it all I suppose. Several interests.. only helps to cement the foundations.

Lately I've been experiencing this issue where people complain that noone is there for them, yet they happen to be there for others.
If you keep your troubles to your chest, how do you expect to get help from the others you seek to get help from.
I feel like such folks are almost setting themselves up for trouble, as they appear to set these 'tests' for their friends..

Almost as if they are waiting to say 'Aha! I got you! I knew you weren't yadi yah blah blah '. Which frankly irks the hell out of me
If you are inevitably waiting for this to happen then why have that person around in the 1st place!

Communication is VITAL here. At times both parties may be speaking in different languages, wires get crossed, so one party ends up disappointed and other party totally oblivious but viewed as selfish by the disappointed party.


Such I think would continue to be one of the unsolved complexties of necessary human interactions.

Any alternative answers?

Numb

I float along..following whatever tide comes my way.

Awaiting the next unmovable object within my view..

An island perhaps?

Reality

Reality is hard.

There is no easy way around it. They say getting through the hurdle makes you stronger. What if you're stuck in the middle of one and can't get out, What do you do then? How long can you keep telling yourself that you will be stronger at the end?


Times are so hard for me presently. It certainly feels like I am going through it alone, because the end-result is only going to affect Chibuchi.

Never can I recollect feeling so helpless.

HE apparently helps at his own convienience from a distance but it's all talk.
The stranger I have been slowly dissecting out of my life has been more helpful than him.

HE expects me to 'get over it' soon.

Get over it?

I'm almost glad that this is happening now.

Just when the wounds were supposed to be healing, the scars had not even formed yet, but now they are bleeding once again.


I don't know which is worse, the insomnia, the inability to eat, the propensity to burst into tears at any minute due to frustration.

Like something is eating away at me, just gnawing away relentlessly and I can't even place this phantom carnivore's presence anywhere within me.
If I could, then I would find it and stop it.

I can't take it anymore, giving in seems so much easier now.

No It's not OK.

It probably won't ever be.

U know it.
I know it.

So how long are we going to carry on with this facade?

Change.

It appears as if a major change is about to occur right now

Unsure of how to take it.. I don't think I am prepared..but yet I can't help but realise that the anxiety I feel right now also fills me with excitement.

I suppose it's because I had noticed that my ways had fallen into the ever-repetitive routine..surely that has got to happen at some point in our lives though..right?

It's sink or float time.

Other options are just possibilities right now..I'm scared to dig deeper into these possibilities for fear of just diving right into them after discovering something I like.

What will it be?

Buchi be patient..

Scenic..

My idea of heaven these last few days has been to relax to some classical music
A prominent piece on constant repeat has been 'Changing clothes by James Horner' also featured in the movie - The Boy in the striped pyjamas (another great book-movie adaptation..)


This track appears to pull me in with the promise of calmness/quietness but then climaxes suddenly with a fevered high pitched note. So high, so sudden that it's enough to almost jolt a comtose person into consciousness.


I would like to think that I could equate such a piece to an orgasm...

..the initial stirrings of the violin can be likened to initial pre-coital proceedings.. You know how you feel in the beginning when you start to sense that something is waking up within you as that special spot is suddenly touched/caressed/pulled/twanged - (whatever does it for you!)


...in between you feel yourself climbing and climbing as the harp is subtly joined by the piano,the clarinet, the trumpet etc... all coming together with such force that you start to wonder if each instrument is clamouring for your attention...


....towards the end, you get to that point where you know you can't hold back, can't move forward/backwards
You feel yourself rising..
A sense of euphoria approaching..
Floating...
Still floating...
Within this sweet cloud..
Hoping that this dreamy journey will never end..
and then feel the source of your pleasure suddenly withdraw itself,


As the orchestra reaches it's magnificent climax..


At which point I wonder.....

WTF?!

But go for the repeat button again...