Zip It!

Hello!

Back again...Sorry about the long silence!



Sooooo what do I have to rant about now eh blog?
Not so much honestly..not bitter, sad, going crazy but faily neutral plus slightly tipping on optimism..

Another year is about to be added to my current years on this earth officially...
I'm excited, positive, but also in denial.. the last bit will have to be discussed at another time.

All in all I am grateful to God & continually give him my thanks intensely at sporadic random moments when it suddenly strikes me of how lucky I am...


On another note, another year added has subtracted another level of tolerance.If tolerance could be quantified in say litres, I could say I've had about 5litres taken off as another year has been added.
Out of a total of what litres you ask? Honestly I don't know what the overall level of my tolerance is, I suprise myself at times with the total content!

I am lucky and thankful to have some wonderful friends.
Frenemies, I try not to indulge in, just for sanity's sake.
As I consider it really tiresome trying to figure out what page we are on half the time.
So I keep an exclusive group close to my chest.

I would consider myself a happy go lucky kinda person with friendships in the sense that as quickly as I bounce into them could also be as quickly as I bounce out, but yet hold on to the exceptionally good ones tighter than a leech. (I would like to think this was normal for most people)

I don't really think I'm one to continually point out faults or issues that peeve me off when done by friends, a little joke here and there, but then gradually I just ignore OR end up cutting off the person abruptly when they go waaayyy past that line they shouldn't have crossed.(Major fault here I know!)
But then how do they know..


How does one choose friends? I honestly don't know... Just having one interest in common starts it all I suppose. Several interests.. only helps to cement the foundations.

Lately I've been experiencing this issue where people complain that noone is there for them, yet they happen to be there for others.
If you keep your troubles to your chest, how do you expect to get help from the others you seek to get help from.
I feel like such folks are almost setting themselves up for trouble, as they appear to set these 'tests' for their friends..

Almost as if they are waiting to say 'Aha! I got you! I knew you weren't yadi yah blah blah '. Which frankly irks the hell out of me
If you are inevitably waiting for this to happen then why have that person around in the 1st place!

Communication is VITAL here. At times both parties may be speaking in different languages, wires get crossed, so one party ends up disappointed and other party totally oblivious but viewed as selfish by the disappointed party.


Such I think would continue to be one of the unsolved complexties of necessary human interactions.

Any alternative answers?

Numb

I float along..following whatever tide comes my way.

Awaiting the next unmovable object within my view..

An island perhaps?

Reality

Reality is hard.

There is no easy way around it. They say getting through the hurdle makes you stronger. What if you're stuck in the middle of one and can't get out, What do you do then? How long can you keep telling yourself that you will be stronger at the end?


Times are so hard for me presently. It certainly feels like I am going through it alone, because the end-result is only going to affect Chibuchi.

Never can I recollect feeling so helpless.

HE apparently helps at his own convienience from a distance but it's all talk.
The stranger I have been slowly dissecting out of my life has been more helpful than him.

HE expects me to 'get over it' soon.

Get over it?

I'm almost glad that this is happening now.

Just when the wounds were supposed to be healing, the scars had not even formed yet, but now they are bleeding once again.


I don't know which is worse, the insomnia, the inability to eat, the propensity to burst into tears at any minute due to frustration.

Like something is eating away at me, just gnawing away relentlessly and I can't even place this phantom carnivore's presence anywhere within me.
If I could, then I would find it and stop it.

I can't take it anymore, giving in seems so much easier now.

No It's not OK.

It probably won't ever be.

U know it.
I know it.

So how long are we going to carry on with this facade?

Change.

It appears as if a major change is about to occur right now

Unsure of how to take it.. I don't think I am prepared..but yet I can't help but realise that the anxiety I feel right now also fills me with excitement.

I suppose it's because I had noticed that my ways had fallen into the ever-repetitive routine..surely that has got to happen at some point in our lives though..right?

It's sink or float time.

Other options are just possibilities right now..I'm scared to dig deeper into these possibilities for fear of just diving right into them after discovering something I like.

What will it be?

Buchi be patient..

Scenic..

My idea of heaven these last few days has been to relax to some classical music
A prominent piece on constant repeat has been 'Changing clothes by James Horner' also featured in the movie - The Boy in the striped pyjamas (another great book-movie adaptation..)


This track appears to pull me in with the promise of calmness/quietness but then climaxes suddenly with a fevered high pitched note. So high, so sudden that it's enough to almost jolt a comtose person into consciousness.


I would like to think that I could equate such a piece to an orgasm...

..the initial stirrings of the violin can be likened to initial pre-coital proceedings.. You know how you feel in the beginning when you start to sense that something is waking up within you as that special spot is suddenly touched/caressed/pulled/twanged - (whatever does it for you!)


...in between you feel yourself climbing and climbing as the harp is subtly joined by the piano,the clarinet, the trumpet etc... all coming together with such force that you start to wonder if each instrument is clamouring for your attention...


....towards the end, you get to that point where you know you can't hold back, can't move forward/backwards
You feel yourself rising..
A sense of euphoria approaching..
Floating...
Still floating...
Within this sweet cloud..
Hoping that this dreamy journey will never end..
and then feel the source of your pleasure suddenly withdraw itself,


As the orchestra reaches it's magnificent climax..


At which point I wonder.....

WTF?!

But go for the repeat button again...

Somehow

Have you ever been 'somehow' & then wondered why you were 'somehow'?

The annoying thing about this is that this annoying 'somehow' can't be accurately diagnosed until the period of 'somehowness' has passed.

It is after this that you laugh, cry, groan, curse, spit, eat, shit at how you had allowed yourself to feel 'somehow'


I guess somehowness can be examplified by feelings of:

-Restlessness/calmness

- Being erratic yet meticulous

- Being happy yet sad

- Starving yet bingeing

- Not giving a f**k but yet worrying yourself to a state of fervour.

And whatever form of somehowness that your somehow has decided to somehow.


I shall try and see this one through...

Have you had a period of 'somehowness' recently?

Another morning...

Alarm..

Stretch, stare at ceiling, wonder if I can squeeze a couple more hours of slee...BAM BAM BAM*

Huh??!!!

*BAM BAM BAM BAM*

Phone starts ringing simulataneously.

U are kidding me.

I get up..go to the door then hear my name

"Chibuchi, open up, I can see you already we need to talk."

"Are you serious? at this time??"

"U haven't been picking up my calls so what do you expect me to do.."

""

A or B, when A is obvious.

Back at work, after recovering from a bad bout of lawd knows.

Hate calling in sick for real, think it makes one appear like some kind of weakling.

Had more than enough time to gather my thoughts.

Verdict is...

Pretty obvious isn't it?

I am taking him back.

But not so easily...

Gonna need some time..a lot of time.

So He's Back.

Almost exactly 365ays after smashing my heart into smithereens...

After sending me on a rampage with a quite a few broken hearts left behind on my trail..

After making me so jaded, so cynical, so bitter?

I don't know if I can love again..

Can I?


Would it really be deeper, stronger..

Or am I destined for the more shallow but 'easier' to deal with stuff...

I'm not sure if I can trust right now..

But yet, nobody else has come even close to him.

Life is just hard work sha.

It begins...

I was going through an old 'published' blog of mine... where I had impulsively posted a couple of words together to express my hurt at the time...

Reading it today..

It's unbelievable.

Dang the tin pain me sha... kai